Perpetual Drafts of the Perpetually Daft

39 Days to Election Day 20 Day until Early Voting starts in NC I'm in possum survivor mode today (also last Monday). When I read this years from now, I wonder if I'll know what cryptic meaning I meant. Good luck, future me!

 *Less than 50 days to election day* Often times these days, when I come across the news, I wonder, will we even make it to January if we actually kick that fascist racist clown out of office? Like literally, I am wondering will we be alive then. Even if he loses - and the idea that he even has a chance of winning is terrifying - we are at a point that it won't be a surprise if he just burns the whole thing down with him. That's where we are.

*54 Days to Election Day*   We can’t say “never forget” without also sharing what we remember.  This is how we form that collective memory to ensure we won’t ever forget. Tell your story. I want to know - where were you that day? What do you remember?   Every September 11, since that first one, I always reflect on the lives lost, but also where I was and where my family was that day. Before this year, I thought it was self-indulgent to share where I was, what I remembered since I didn’t lose anyone directly. This makes no sense, because when others share what they remember from that day, I am riveted and not once think of their sharing of memory is self-indulgent at all. We need to share these things, every year, again, and again because if we stop sharing, we start forgetting.

Something I wrote almost 30 years ago: December 1994  I think the events that unfolded today is the culmination of the hopes and desires I’ve had for years - hopes and wants that I’ve only come to realize in the last year.  I am so happy knowing people whose beliefs I’ve admired. The start of being a part of a community of thinkers and activists is thrilling. Knowing artists who are aware of their importance to spread awareness of issues that affect the Filipino community - the Filipino people who search for a home and identity.  It is so amazing.  It inspires me to continue searching for my identity and defining my art, my story. I love that I can discuss issues that affect me and express it in a creative way.  Events like tonight are an absolute necessity not just to educate people outside of the community but uncaring and desensitized unaware Filipinos that I have grown up with.

I think this will be the last day I include the Day in the blogpost title. We're not really in strict quarantine anymore although we are social distancing and wearing masks out in public. There is still no vaccine nor significant federal leadership happening as yet. Maybe I should start counting down to election day. Or inauguration day aka possibly (not so far from reality, sadly) "oust that guy" day. All this to say, 2020 still sucks, more losses of folks that should still be here, more tears shed, more anxiety that sees no end. Still,  feeling deep gratitude of the fact that my family and I are as healthy and safe as can be during these uncertain times.

I guess I stopped counting at day 59, according to my 2020 planner (Ha!) So we're still here. Pandemic is still global and somehow that is not always the main news story. It's that bad. At the same time, we've managed to settle into a new sense of normalcy. I don't cry everytime I go to get groceries anymore and I'm going out of the house more than B lately. And not just for take out or groceries! The car is a haven and I enjoy the drives more than is normal. The boys are out in the backyard in our inflatable pool on a sunny and hot July day and it almost seems normal. I'll try to get on here more again. Uncertainty about school (for work and for the boys ) is looming again and I cried (not a ton, but some) about the pandemic for the first time in a while. I cried during a bunch of scenes at the Disney+ premiere of Hamilton (and have watched it numerous times since) but thankfully for non-Covid reasons. See you in a bit as I ask myself, yet again, how will we g...

Today was the second time since the start of the lockdown that I went to the grocery by myself.  Somehow going alone is worse than when I go with B. When will shopping feel normal again? It really does feel like a minefield. Although the cruelty in this is that the potential explosions are silent, undetectable for weeks. I didn't cry this time so that's a plus. N's birthday is coming up and I wanted to get a few things that I didn't necessarilly want B to have to get on top of his regular grocery list. They seem like frivolous things, cards, balloons, cake mix, and sprinkles - but important for me to make N feel special on his birthday. I mean sucks as it is being stuck at home, why shouldn't we at least attempt to go an extra mile? It's funny though, he did specify that he wanted to just have a "chill birthday." What the heck does that even mean? This time I had prepared myself a little bit more for the trip, as I felt my anxiety building the...

Today started out so promising. via GIPHY

So things mostly suck right now, but I'm buzzed on a Saturday afternoon on Day 48 so let me tell you a few of my favorite current things: Hard Pressed Cider DNice's live Instagram sets Questlove's live youTube streams Leslie Jordan's IG livestreams   hmm, I'm sensing a trend here. YouTube specials like  Take Me To the World   (Oh my gad, Ladies Who Lunch, amiright?!), the Parks and Recreation reunion special  and fun reunions like Crowded House and  The Goonies one. Anything Bon Appetit , but especially their home quarantine videos . Geeking about cooking and baking , especially with my boys. Our herb and vegetable garden with inspiration from friends and cool cats on youTube. Just in general, doing things we would not normally be doing or spending as much time doing because we aren't allowed to do much else. This time does suck but this Pause is definitely something that needed to happen. I just wish it didn't have to take s...

I know I'm not alone in doing things now that I probably would not be doing (at least as much) during typical times. Or like, you know, in the "Before Time." I've spent a few weeks now (not in consecutive days, I'm not completely insane or focused enough for that - ha!) mulling over pandesal recipes. I am comparing  4 recipes - one of which was recommended by a friend who posted her delicious looking pandesal on FB. I've watched numerous youTube videos about it, some on repeat. Who am I!? I'm treating this like some kind of research paper. I've not put this much effort in one before. I think. Of course this could just be another form of procrastination. Except in this case I'm procrastinating to keep from TURNING ON THE NEWS. I cannot. It's not like I would be doing this in the summer. I really don't think I would be spending this much time "preparing" to make pandesal. For one thing, I did attempt to make pandesal ...

It's a downer of a day. Random bullets to follow. Filed for unemployment today. That was weird. I have lower tolerance for discomfort these days. I know 4 people in my life circle that have died from CoVid-19. I know more than that that have it or "had it" and are still living. We are still at a Stay-At-Home order in the state until May 8 - or is it the 15th? They announced in our county that they were easing restrictions and now allowing groups of up to 10 people to gather. My initial reaction was fear. Then I thought and remembered that this is an awful time to die or have a loved one die (I guess there is no "good time" to die) because you can't have a memorial gathering right now. That is something that affects me the most. Everytime I'm reminded of that fact, tears start to well up and my heart tightens. Anyway, today does not feel productive at all, even though I accomplished almost everything on my official to-do list, plus I cleaned a...

Is it over yet? This is meant to be a longer post but just in case it isn't, here is the main idea - also a PSA. If you haven't been to a grocery store since the start of all of this or it's been a while, I strongly advise you NOT to wear your contacts if you have them. Otherwise, if you are anything like me, you might inexplicably burst into tears soon after you get back into your car once your groceries are safely packed into your trunk. 4/29/2020 edit: I feel I should further explain the above. Basically, last week was the first time I had gone to shop for groceries by myself since the start of this lockdown. Which was over a month. I'd forgotten at the time that I had actually gone grocery shopping - but with B. There's a local Pinoy grocery that we've been going to every other week to get groceries and take out Filipino food we don't normally cook at home. It's a bi-monthly date, a treat for the whole family and a nice way to support a small...

9:10 am  Today, 3 hours into our day, is a typical rollercoaster of emotions day. Most days I think are but this one is starting the dips early. Are most days like this even in the "Before Time" (that's what my kids call life before lockdown/quarantine/social distance society) and we were just too busy to ponder on that? Also random, I miss shopping. Which is unusual for me because I usually HATE shopping. I've been having grocery shopping dreams. I think I need to venture out to one soon. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. I say this every other day and am thankful I have a partner that does this deed. I think besides providing for his family, this is his way to "get away" guilt free. We need that escape even when we are stuck "inside."

It must be recorded on this day, 4/20/2020 that yesterday, this procrastinator finally completed a thing that has been sitting on the side of this computer for weeks. That is all I have to say about that. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I don't think I'm alone in currently being obsessed with Fiona Apple's newest release, "Fetch The Bolt Cutters." I am OBSESSED with this album right now because, obviously I need something else to focus on other than what is happening in the world. I'm on my third listen of the entire album and it made me think about other albums that I could listen to in its entirety - NO SKIPS. I came up with 16 right off the bat and don't think this is that easy considering my self-imposed rules: 1. No show (movie, TV, theater, etc) soundtracks. 2. No live concert recordings or best of compilations. 3. No albums that take up a complete orchestral piece, i.e. Aaron Copland's Appalachian Spring (which is ...

Fellow procrastinators, tell me if you can relate: Do you ever find that the amount of tasks you are procrastinating on rise at the same level as your concern with others incomplete tasks? Suddenly the laundry that your sons have piling up weigh on you much more heavily than when you are on the top of your game, task wise? This sounded better in my head. Oh well. I am constantly amazed at my ability to not complete tasks. Amazed. ********************* *Same day, later in the afternoon below* It turns out when I think about procrastination, that is the beginning of actual task completion. Okay, well not original planned task completion, but completion of...stuff. In the spirit of that, here are activities I force invite my progeny to partake in once the boring academics of the day is done. Click on the image for the ever-evolving document: In addition, in the spirit of keeping it real, please know that I really do value process over product here. As much as I w...

Last week was hard, y'all. After a few weeks of home/crisis-schooling, I was looking forward to their official spring break. The plan was to take it easy, no real schedule, kids could do whatever they want so I could do the things I needed to get done. I got none of my things done. The kids seemed content to get their unlimited screentime. I was the one that needed the structure. I barely got through the first day without tears. And yes, I know how privileged I am to even be able to process these "struggles." Not even close to the experiences my friends and family, especially those on the frontline, are going through. It feel frivolous to be "struggling" but the feelings are there and unavoidable and real. Not sure there this is going, but this needed to be documented. I am thankful for the super structured week ahead, tornado warnings ( yes, really ) and all.

Thought that I need to record before it flies away from me: Having obligations to others (and feeling the pressure that comes with that) is better than having no obligations and being alone. During these awful times, I am having as perfect a birthday as can be right now. I am healthy and safe at home with the people that mean the most to me in this crazy life. God is good all the time. As Fr. JG would say in reply back in the day: All the time, God is good.

Hard to share fully complete thoughts right now, but didn't want to wait too long to post again. Just thinking about the idea that despite me thinking my introverted side would make this self-quarantine bearable is just baloney. Connection is needed. Beyond your immediate circle. Even through text, connecting to friends and family is so important. Also, having a plan for the day helps so much. More on that later. Or not.

Last year, I dusted off a fancy tangerine KitchenAid Artisan mixer  that we've had for over a decade. It was a wedding gift that B and I received that was sitting in storage until we had more space in the kitchen. In short, 13 years later, we finally have the room in our kitchen to do such things. That is when my obsession with bread (and baking, I suppose) began. This was the very first bread I made with the help of our mixer: It made our house smell so good. I wonder if that was the source of the obsession. I love the smell of fresh baked bread. It was a pretty decent bread. I followed the recipe straight from the KitchenAid recipe book that the mixer came with. I followed it to a tee. B asked if I had watched any videos on how to bake bread. I had not. We have very different styles when approaching new things. I like to follow one set of directions given to me. Perhaps do the same thing over and over, making many mistakes, baking many regrets, until I feel comfortable ...

I had a blog from way way back when blogs started popping up. Blogger was a baby that grew up with Livejournal  ( and Pitas and Diaryland! ) my thoughts lived in many  different  places . I've occasionally looked back to see where my head was at then. I figure if we get through the current Covid 19 craziness and I'm privileged enough to look back, I will also want to know where my head was at during the peak of it all. I can't wait to just look back on today and the past month - the longest March everrrrrr. I feel like we've been saying the longest "month" everrrrr since 2020 came rolling around. We should probably stop saying that or else every month after (Oh hi, April, will you be ever so kind to us, please?) will try to one-up the previous month. So, hello world, I will try to document these times. Friends and family if you are so inclined to read along, I look forward to hearing how you've been doing during these trying times. At the least...

I don't know where to start. When does this end? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I guess I'll have to light the way. (Day #10)

Yousoearly (cue the <<GONG>>) (Day #10)

Is being an underprotective parenting a thing? Is letting my child do his thing with maximum independence okay as long as I can't concentrate on anything else until it's time to pick him up and am relieved when he responds to my text because that means he's alive? Okay, thanks, bye.

It's been a whole dang year! I've written so many posts in my head and my apologies for not sharing them with you. This year is all about gratitude for all things and self-care to keep the sanity! Also, will try to lessen the exclamation points. I'm an adult gedemmit.