Day 52: Love Is A Battlefield
Today was the second time since the start of the lockdown that I went to the grocery by myself. Somehow going alone is worse than when I go with B. When will shopping feel normal again?
It really does feel like a minefield. Although the cruelty in this is that the potential explosions are silent, undetectable for weeks. I didn't cry this time so that's a plus.
N's birthday is coming up and I wanted to get a few things that I didn't necessarilly want B to have to get on top of his regular grocery list. They seem like frivolous things, cards, balloons, cake mix, and sprinkles - but important for me to make N feel special on his birthday. I mean sucks as it is being stuck at home, why shouldn't we at least attempt to go an extra mile? It's funny though, he did specify that he wanted to just have a "chill birthday." What the heck does that even mean?
This time I had prepared myself a little bit more for the trip, as I felt my anxiety building the closer to the time I planned to go. This was carefully decided upon as well. Middle of the week, early, just after senior hours, the day after Cinco De Mayo.
I changed from jogging pants to jeans realizing I would need pockets for my phone, and two handkerchiefs in case I need to touch my face at any point. I decided I would keep my credit card in one of the pockets so I wouldn't have to open my purse to pay. I decided to wear one layer instead of 2 - a long sleeve shirt rather than a tshirt and hoodie to have less to peel off after.
I checked to make sure I had a clean mask to wear. I have a hat. I remembered to just wear glasses just in case I cried again. I made sure I had the alcohol spray bottle for sanitizing afterwards. I put the reusable shopping bags in the back so when I came back from the grocery, I would put the bags in there for when I brought the goods inside. I decided I would wear headphones and play music on my phone to calm my nerves and debated whether I should listen to a podcast but, nah, I went with my Nostalgia playlist. First song to come up on shuffle? Invincible. Definitely a good sign.
I get to the grocery parking lot. I have trouble putting on my mask.
Am I wearing the kid one that B made? Crap!
My headphones get tangled between putting the mask on and my glasses. Crap!
I am sweating already and I haven't turned the engine off. It takes me like 10 minutes just to get out of the car. I get out of the car.
Where do I put my keys? I'll need it for the membership points. Crap!
My bag is too small and my pockets are full. I stuff the keys in the bag that is too small.
I walk in and I am at a blank. What did I come for? I fumble for my phone that has my list as I struggle to avoid getting too close to the 3 other people in the produce area. Anxiety is already high. Okay I guess I'm not getting all the fruits and veggies right now. This continues and I dodge and adjust accordingly through the aisles. I get a bunch of stuff not on my list and think, aggh this is why I can't be the one who goes out and get the groceries. I take too long. B sends a text in support.
Just get what you need and go. In and out.
If only it was that simple. If only I had that discipline!
I continue to get stuff I remembered I needed and finally get back to my list. I get to the aisle with the limited party supplies. I look at the balloon choices and birthday cake candle choices and I think I'm gonna cry. Quarantine birthdays suck! I grab the balloons that look like it has the most and move on. I later find out I got the wrong balloons. Agggh.
I continue with semi-hyperventilating through my mask and pushing steam onto my glasses. It is freaking hot. I get to the self- checkout and go through another set of clumsy, probably-getting-Corona-all-over-all-the-things-I'm-unnecesarily-touching steps and finally exit the building.
I usually wait til I'm in the car before I take my mask off but I just could not breathe. I take the mask off as soon as I'm outside and breathe in the cool air deeply.
I get the stuff in the car. I return the cart. I get back in the car. I turn on the music to my playlist. Let The Music Play comes on.
I'll take it.
It really does feel like a minefield. Although the cruelty in this is that the potential explosions are silent, undetectable for weeks. I didn't cry this time so that's a plus.
N's birthday is coming up and I wanted to get a few things that I didn't necessarilly want B to have to get on top of his regular grocery list. They seem like frivolous things, cards, balloons, cake mix, and sprinkles - but important for me to make N feel special on his birthday. I mean sucks as it is being stuck at home, why shouldn't we at least attempt to go an extra mile? It's funny though, he did specify that he wanted to just have a "chill birthday." What the heck does that even mean?
This time I had prepared myself a little bit more for the trip, as I felt my anxiety building the closer to the time I planned to go. This was carefully decided upon as well. Middle of the week, early, just after senior hours, the day after Cinco De Mayo.
I changed from jogging pants to jeans realizing I would need pockets for my phone, and two handkerchiefs in case I need to touch my face at any point. I decided I would keep my credit card in one of the pockets so I wouldn't have to open my purse to pay. I decided to wear one layer instead of 2 - a long sleeve shirt rather than a tshirt and hoodie to have less to peel off after.
I checked to make sure I had a clean mask to wear. I have a hat. I remembered to just wear glasses just in case I cried again. I made sure I had the alcohol spray bottle for sanitizing afterwards. I put the reusable shopping bags in the back so when I came back from the grocery, I would put the bags in there for when I brought the goods inside. I decided I would wear headphones and play music on my phone to calm my nerves and debated whether I should listen to a podcast but, nah, I went with my Nostalgia playlist. First song to come up on shuffle? Invincible. Definitely a good sign.
I get to the grocery parking lot. I have trouble putting on my mask.
Am I wearing the kid one that B made? Crap!
My headphones get tangled between putting the mask on and my glasses. Crap!
I am sweating already and I haven't turned the engine off. It takes me like 10 minutes just to get out of the car. I get out of the car.
Where do I put my keys? I'll need it for the membership points. Crap!
My bag is too small and my pockets are full. I stuff the keys in the bag that is too small.
I walk in and I am at a blank. What did I come for? I fumble for my phone that has my list as I struggle to avoid getting too close to the 3 other people in the produce area. Anxiety is already high. Okay I guess I'm not getting all the fruits and veggies right now. This continues and I dodge and adjust accordingly through the aisles. I get a bunch of stuff not on my list and think, aggh this is why I can't be the one who goes out and get the groceries. I take too long. B sends a text in support.
Just get what you need and go. In and out.
If only it was that simple. If only I had that discipline!
I continue to get stuff I remembered I needed and finally get back to my list. I get to the aisle with the limited party supplies. I look at the balloon choices and birthday cake candle choices and I think I'm gonna cry. Quarantine birthdays suck! I grab the balloons that look like it has the most and move on. I later find out I got the wrong balloons. Agggh.
I continue with semi-hyperventilating through my mask and pushing steam onto my glasses. It is freaking hot. I get to the self- checkout and go through another set of clumsy, probably-getting-Corona-all-over-all-the-things-I'm-unnecesarily-touching steps and finally exit the building.
I usually wait til I'm in the car before I take my mask off but I just could not breathe. I take the mask off as soon as I'm outside and breathe in the cool air deeply.
I get the stuff in the car. I return the cart. I get back in the car. I turn on the music to my playlist. Let The Music Play comes on.
I'll take it.
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